4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
