i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
