Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
