mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
