never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
