Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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