Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
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adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
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in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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