we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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