Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
