Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
