Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
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we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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