Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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