there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
