I seem to have left my pride at pride
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
