i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Come see our sink grown plant.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
