All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
