Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
