what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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