I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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