my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
