I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
