I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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