Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
