I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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