Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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