The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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