I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
