The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
