Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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