More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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