i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
