I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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