last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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