Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Found the puke drawer
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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