After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
