Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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