There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
