Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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