it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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