1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
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a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
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Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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