Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
