and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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