Ambien. No doubt about it.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
