How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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