All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
