This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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