I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
i've created a new STD.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
