Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
