he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
