I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We just shotgunned beers for America
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Holy shit dude........stairs
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
