If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
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My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
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Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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