youre lurking in front of me
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
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i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
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Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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