my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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