dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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