there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
