whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
