Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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