found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
