i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
