Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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